You don’t take me to breakfast anymore

Ahh so I really, really need to not get my hopes up anymore. I thought something good was happening..again.. and at first I hesitated, then I got excited and hopeful.. yearning for change (yearning for him!) then of course, not what I expected. I blame myself and my perception. But why is it always me? Is it really? Why must I blame myself for everything?
Anyway here are some interesting pictures of my day:

Bernie in York, PA

Yesterday was exciting. I got off work at 5, then headed to the local plant nursery. As I was awkwardly maneuvering my cart through the busy isles trying to decide on a hibiscus or passionflower (neither of which I could really afford) I received a text. Thank god I checked it. From my sister: Bernie sighting at White Rose. I immediately went to check out, which took foreeevvverrr, then I hauled absolute ass to the other side of York. I parked in some sketchy lot that was hastily closed off. Fuck it I thought, a ticket would be worth it. Long story short, I shook his hand and got a selfie. He also repeated some obscenities I muttered while trying to get my damn front facing camera to work! He seemed very kind, and so cool for saying hi to all of us. It was the best, and I really hope he can be our next president.

My apologies for how TERRIBLE I look. Jesus… But I was also at the rally in Reading the previous day. Life made. 

Fear and Self Loathing

Things have been rough. I’m confused and detached. I woke up this morning and started crying before I could even get out of bed. Thankfully, I’m on one more month of isotretenoin and hopefully my skin will improve. I’m tired of feeling ugly on top of ugly. My friend brought me a lucky bamboo plant, and an old friend is back in my life and spending time with me. I hope things will improve. It’s very hard to see any point in going on. I’m also going to leave this here:
  

It’s finally staying warm

So, I am convinced the weather will stay nice now! We had snow the other day. I planted most of my annuals in some boxes outside today. If they die, well shit. I spent way too much money on plants already… Could have gotten a new tattoo probably :p 

I got some 5-HTP which is hydroxytryptophan. It’s a supplement that helps with serotonin depletion. I am taking a bunch of others too, and am restarting accutane. Wish me luck! Accutane worked wonders for my skin, made my nails long AND I lost weight. Too bad they won’t let me take it forever!

I have today and tomorrow off. Probably visiting a friend overnight tonight. I have a lot to do inside and outside of the house, but damn on my days off I feel like I can barely function! 

Trying manuka essential oil on my face, too. I’m not sure what’s wrong, but after stopping accutane I broke out bad and it’s just gotten worse.

Also, I am getting excited for Game of Thrones coming on soon. Anyone else a fan?!

   
   

Happily Ever Never

  

I feel like all we do is settle. I did once.  Fear of being alone? Makes me want to listen to “Time is Running Out” by Muse. Does anyone every truly end up with who they’re meant to be with? And what the hell determines this?! Maybe it’s multiple people, throughout our lifetimes. For longer periods of time. Kind of invalidates the idea of marriage. All I know is that my prospects aren’t looking well and if anyone is running out of time, it’s me! Fuck, you only live once… ONE TIME. That’s all you’ve got

Spring

I am currently on a break at work. I slept terribly last night and cannot seem to wake up. I had two friends visit me last night which was pretty cool. Easter was terrible, my plans got screwed up and I got all upset. Spent most of the night crying. Things are about the same though. Had one of my meds slightly increased. I bought borage supplements, and am going to try 5-htp, tryptophan, and some other things, but not all at once. 

I went hiking the other day. Built a fire and explored. Got my bike rack on my car just need a nice day off, and someone to go with me. 

My ex husband has a girlfriend now. I’m happy for him, but it’s still weird. I still can’t believe I’m divorced and it’s been how many months?! 

Things are coming to life, and hopefully I will start to as well!